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Disciplining your Children The first thing to remember is that discipline is not the same thing as punishment. Punishment is usually something painful that a child is forced to do, in the hopes that he or she will learn not to do something that you are trying to discourage. But what punishment usually accomplishes is to convince a child that a parent is mean, or that the world is unfair. A child may comply in the short term. In the long term, punishment leads to resentment, aggression, and poor social skills. If the punishment is physical, the negative ramifications intensify. What makes discipline different than punishment? From a child’s perspective, there are several key things: First, discipline is consistent. The child needs to experience discipline as a setting of limits, and driven by a reason. Second, it is impartial and does not seem to be an outgrowth of the parent’s mood. So it must seem to “fit the crime”. If a parent responds to every inappropriate behavior with the same response, the child has no way of learning what things are more serious than others. When it’s well implemented, discipline is a natural outgrowth of the child’s behavior. Third, discipline often emerges from a goal to help your child learn how their actions impact others; punishment is more often driven by a desire to control a child’s behavior. As an example, imagine that your daughter has been very creative and drawn on walls. Discipline might be for her to clean it up, and/or or not to be able to use the markers or crayons again for a while. . Another consequence in this example might be for you to not trust the child to entertain herself on her own, and to require her to be under closer supervision for a while. Or the child may have to accept new rules about when crayons are used and when they are not. Once a child shows that she understands the rules for using markers, she can earn the right to use them again Another important thing about discipline is that it be age-appropriate. If a two-year old draws on the wall, appropriate discipline might be any of the above ideas. If your seven-year old son draws on the walls, discipline might be to have him clean the wall and to also let you know his study and entertainment plans each day, to make certain they’re acceptable. Children of any age may complain that discipline is unfair, so it’s important to have a group of parents whom you trust, or a professional, with whom to brainstorm and consult regarding appropriate discipline. Discipline is something every parent needs to impose from time to time, to help their children learn what is acceptable and what is not. Doing so may generate lots of feelings for a parent: discomfort, guilt, anger, and overwhelm are common. Those feelings sometimes interfere with judgment, so discipline may be a two-phased process. You may have to first express to your child your feelings (disappointment, upset, hurt, etc), and let them know that later you will tell them what the consequences of their action will be. This is an effective approach when a child’s actions make you angry or frustrated. Taking time to cool off before disciplining your child makes certain that your actions are guided by your best judgment and not your own feelings. In writing about discipline, it’s important to address the emotional and legal consequences of physical punishment. For more thoughts on that topic, see my article on spanking. A final thing to consider is what it feels like to discipline a child. For most parents, it’s no fun. One consequence of discipline is that the child may be angry at you, not like you, perhaps even call you names or throw a temper tantrum. It is never easy to feel your own child express anger or hatred toward you. It’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings, set limits on how they are expressed when necessary, and not take out your own reactions on your child. As a parent, knowing what to ask for is important. Your children don’t have to like you when you discipline them, they just have to adhere to the terms of the consequence you are imposing. Contact & Copyright Information Cal J. Domingue, MFT |
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© 2005 Cal J. Domingue, All rights reserved |
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