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Social Lives of Children Many adults and parents fondly remember school years as a time without the stresses of work and adult obligations. But most children find school years difficult, either academically or socially. Typical social challenges include making and keeping friends; dealing with teasing and bullying; learning to deal with peer pressure; handling conflict effectively; and maintaining self-esteem. That’s a lot to learn! There has been a trend in schools in the last several years to address these topics directly, and integrate them into the classroom. Some schools have had good success with teaching skills such as conflict management or starting friendship groups to help children learn social skills. But these skills are very hard to teach in a classroom, because their implementation is very individual from one child to the next. Knowing your child’s strengths and weaknesses is important. You can learn how young children are doing socially and academically by talking with their teachers and finding time to visit the school. Older children may find this overly intrusive. The best way, ultimately, to find out about your child and her life is to hear about it from her. If you listen when a child tells you of a problem, you are teaching him that it’s okay to ask for help when he needs it. If you are willing to listen, you may be able to help her learn how to make decisions on her own. Children often think they’re only supposed to tell parents of their successes, and are ashamed to report areas where they may be less skillful. Learn to create a safe space where your children tell you about both their successes and their troubles. Acknowledge their feelings without criticism. Then help them to find their own solutions and plans. This may mean learning new skills with them, acknowledging the difficulty in what they face, or sharing an idea or two. You don’t have to fix every problem, just guide them without being directive. That can be a tricky balance! As an adult, it can be hard to remember how painstaking it was to learn social skills. Usually children learn these things by observing what works for others; or through trial and error. If it wasn’t something that was difficult for you, you may be stumped as to how to teach your child. Brainstorming with other parents, reading parenting books, or consulting professionals may help you to find ideas. Simple things like saying “please” and “thank you” to children is a great way to model for children how to effectively communicate with others. A key factor is helping your child to learn that they are loved and appreciated. That may seem simplistic or obvious, but often it is not what a child feels. Why? Because children learn from their experience. That means they will pay more attention to your actions than to your words. If parents or other important figures say they love a child, but the child feels left alone a lot of them time, is never hugged, or is never told that he is loved, he will come to feel that there is something wrong with him. Praising a child for his efforts to please you, or for wanting to be with you, helps him to believe that you want to be with him, too. Spending time with your children, and helping them find ways to tell you about their troubles as well as their successes, may be a challenge. However, it is an investment that will reap huge rewards in the long term, both for your children and for your relationships with them. Contact & Copyright Information Cal J. Domingue, MFT |
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© 2005 Cal J. Domingue, All rights reserved |
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