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Spanking and Physical Punishment Spanking. Most parents do it at one time or another; most children experience it at one time or another. So what's the problem with spanking? What's the big deal? For a parent who is frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, the urge to spank is understandable. Most parents were spanked themselves as children, and most suffered no lasting ill effects that they can identify. The decision on whether and when to spank is a personal one. It is also one that has a profound effect on your child. I believe that it is important to think about spanking carefully from a few perspectives. Like most important things in life, it is worth making a conscious decision about spanking as opposed to doing it without forethought. Let's address the legal aspect first. In the state of California, a parent may legally use their open, bare hand to spank a child on the child's bottom. Striking them anywhere else, or using a fist or any implement to strike them (a belt, a hanger, an electrical cord) are all classified as forms of abuse by the law. Because of that, they are reportable to Child Protective Services (CPS). In some cultures and some families, these forms of punishment are commonplace or are considered mild. So it is important to be aware of the legal ramifications if these forms of punishment are used, even if they feel completely appropriate to you. Another, perhaps more compelling, aspect of spanking is to look at it from a child's perspective. To a child, what's the difference between being beaten up by an older bully at school, and being spanked by a parent? In both situations, someone bigger and stronger is hurting them physically. In both situations, the child may not understand what provoked the response. In both, they will probably feel treated unfairly, quite possibly for a very long time. And in both, they may be physically injured, whether or not that was the intent. What does a child learn from being spanked? They learn that it is acceptable to hit. To a seven year-old boy, if it's okay for a parent to hit him for doing something the parent didn't like, then it's okay for him to hit another child, or his younger sister, for doing something he doesn't like. A child learns by example, and demonstrates what he has learned by repeating it. From a spanking, a child may learn that she has gotten you angry. If she's smart, she may understand which action or behavior of hers triggered your angry. Will she learn not to do that behavior again? Possibly. It is more likely that she will learn not to get caught, or not to let you know about it. It that what you wanted to teach her? Usually, it's not. But children often learn things based on how they see the world, through their own experience, no matter what we say. Even if the things they learn aren’t true from an adult perspective. A very young child, if spanked, will learn that getting you angry is to be avoided at all costs. That may help in the short term. In the long run, that tendency may develop into an inability to stand up for one’s self as an adult. Or it may turn into anger that is suppressed until it can’t be contained any more, and erupts like a hidden volcano. None of those things are probably what you wanted them to learn from being spanked, but it is what they learned because it is all that their young brains can understand. A somewhat older child will feel humiliated by a spanking. He will learn that you care more about controlling him than you actually care about him. He will learn to hide things, he will seek ways to get even, and some part of them will always believe that you cared more about what other people thought than you did about what he thought or felt. He will not believe that he was loved. That may lead to an adult who can’t sustain a loving relationship, or one that can’t advance at work because he can’t control his own feelings well enough with his colleagues. Or it may evolve into a tendency to bully others. None of these are what you wanted him to learn, but it’s what he learned because that’s all his brain could understand at that age. What will a child not learn from a spanking? She won’t learn that there’s a difference between who she is, and what she has done. So she won’t understand that you are upset about her behavior, and that you still love her. She won’t learn socially acceptable ways to express anger. She won’t learn the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. She will not learn to struggle with her feelings in order to find a way to settle conflict peacefully and effectively. Why should she, when it is okay to hit? The key thing here to remember is that to a child, you are their teacher. They expect you to know what’s right and wrong, what works and what doesn’t. Children look to parents to help them learn how to negotiate this world that seems so big and challenging, and possibly so scary, to them. That’s why it’s worth thinking about how they will perceive your actions, if you spank or hit them. Contact & Copyright Information Cal J. Domingue, MFT |
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© 2005 Cal J. Domingue, All rights reserved |
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